Grace's Guide Read online

  And it wasn’t just any reservation; it was a reservation to MACARONI GRILL. The classiest of all the chain restaurants! If you’ve never been to a Macaroni Grill, it’s a lovely Italian dining experience in which you can color on the paper tablecloths. CLASSY.

  I immediately went to the mall and bought the shortest, yet still sophisticated, black-and-white skirt I could find. It had a metal chain draped on the side for decoration–I felt like the prettiest little Avril Lavigne knockoff. Valentine’s Day came and my boyfriend picked me up from my dorm and said, “Whoa, you look hot.” He had a way with words. I felt like a South Jersey Cinderella.

  He took me to Macaroni Grill and it was hot and crowded and the waiters were in the weeds and sweaty and flustered and not that nice and I loved it. We talked and colored, and colored some more to distract ourselves from the fact that we didn’t have a lot to talk about.

  After dinner, we went back to his dorm and drank Smirnoff Ice and I gave him his V-Day gift: my virginity. I was so hopped up on the classiness of the dinner-reservation experience that I thought, TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT.

  Over the course of the two years that we dated, my boyfriend and I went to Macaroni Grill approximately zero more times. Young love.

  See, dates can be great! But also don’t forget that they can be terrible. So, let me give you my quick tips for both preparing for and going on a date.

  Absolute

  Be ABSOLUTELY clear that this is, in fact, a date.

  When one person doesn’t know that it’s a date, it can get awkward. Fast. Ack.

  It’s like ordering a pizza and your friend thinks you said you were ordering shoes and when the pizza comes, he puts it on his feet and you’re all like, “Da fuq, Greg?”

  Don’t be afraid to ask. It’s better to find out in advance than to wear your shortest black-and-white JCPenney skirt only to discover when the appetizers come that your “date” wants to talk to you about how you could work together. Professionally. Not in terms of puzzling together sweaty crevices. EEP.

  (re)Search

  Do your research.

  Google them. Lord knows they’re going to Google you, if they haven’t already. I’m not saying you should download their entire life history like you’re on some sort of CIA mission. Just poke around to get a general sense of your date. Make sure he’s not a serial killer–unless you’re into that kind of thing.

  When making conversation, it’s helpful to know what your date might be interested in discussing.

  Maybe, when you’re researching, you discover that you have some common interests.

  Or maybe you fall into the K-hole that is their Facebook photos and spend hours dissecting what kind of girls/boys they’ve dated in the past.

  Maybe you accidentally type their name as your Facebook status. ABORT MISSION.

  Whatever you do, don’t mention during the date that you Googled the other person. It sounds creepy out loud.

  Scrub Up

  Clean your person!

  Get into the crevices. Have hair only in the places you want it. Use Q-tips! Present the best possible version of yourself. Unless, you’re like, Screw it, I’m kind of gross and I want them to like me for me. Then you do you. (And hopefully them. HEYO!)

  Present the version of yourself that you’d want to date.

  Exit Strategy

  Figure out an exit strategy, in case of emergencies.

  If your love interest turns out to be truly, horribly uninteresting or if they stink emotionally and physically and you just can’t stand another minute with this person or you’re going to stab your own eyeballs, you should have a way to get out of the date before you get stuck. Whether it’s having a friend on standby to send you a “your dog is puking out the butt” text or a cohort at the actual bar/restaurant/café to make sure your date isn’t there to wear your skin (can you tell I’m a paranoid human being? Thanks, local news!), or even just a few preloaded “excuses,” taking one of these precautionary measures will help you make a break for it if things get weird.

  I hate calling them excuses–I prefer WPBBOFTS (We’re Probably Both Better Off for This Stories). Fun and creative! It sounds sucky, but the truth is, if you’re not having a genuinely fun time, then neither will your date. So it’s better to cut your losses and get out of there.

  Yes

  Say “Yes” to this experience. Stay positive about the date.

  What I mean by “Yes” is keep an open mind, especially if you’re on the fence about the date. Have an emergency exit plan, but stay on the date until there’s truly no better option than to pull the rip cord.

  If my foreign language studies have served me correctly, I’m pretty sure “date” comes from the Latin root date, which means “awkward situation.” Yes, dates are inherently awkward, so give it a chance. Give it the ole two-thirds try. Get through at least two-thirds of the date before you give up. And who knows, maybe by the time you get to the two-thirds point there’ll be enough forward momentum to push you through to the end.

  And if you’re still wearing your own skin at the end of the date, consider it a complete success!

  Dependable

  Be dependable. Be on time.

  I’m what some might refer to as a “putzer.” I waste all the available prep time until I’m late. I have a latent fear of arriving somewhere first, because then I’d have to sit alone and thus feel wildly vulnerable and/or bad about myself. Some might say it can be attributed to deep-seated friendship breakup issues from high school. “Some” would be therapists. HOW FUN. I’m dealing with it. But this is about you! How dare you turn this on me, me.

  This is the first impression you’ll give your date. Also, side note, it’s kind of nice to get to the bar early and order a drink before your date gets there so you don’t have to go through the whole “Oh, what are you drinking? That sounds nice [gag], maybe I’ll try that” shenanigans. You have a few minutes to get yourself settled, so your date sees you in the best light. Dim bar lighting is very flattering!

  Ask Questions

  This is a general rule of thumb for any social situation.

  It’s something I learned from my dad (I don’t have daddy issues [that I know about], you pervs). My dad used to call my brothers and me every night to say, “Wazzzz up.” But we were young and quiet, so my dad used to engage us in conversation by asking us question after question about our days/lives. And slowly, as I grew older, I adopted this method of communicating with people. Always fun to associate your dad with your dating strategies! But, goddamn it, it’s very effective.

  People who love to talk about themselves love a good “question-asker.” And if your date is interested in learning more about you, too, they’ll usually toss the question(s) back at you.

  Not only is asking questions a great way to keep conversation going, but it’s also a great way to spot incredibly egocentric personalities who aren’t interested in your thoughts/fears/life and will never ask you any questions in return. Avoid these people.

  Decide

  Decide how you’d like the date to end.

  This will (hopefully) alleviate some of the awkwardness inherent in the end-of-date good-bye.

  Do you want to kiss this person? Do you think they’ll want to kiss you? Is it a cheek kiss? A closed-mouth, full-lip kiss? An open-mouth lip kiss? An open-mouth, minimal-tongue kiss? Or an open-mouth, maximum-tongue kiss? Is it a handshake? Is it a handshake with the other hand gently touching the top of the shake? Is it a handshake pulled into a hug? Is it a side hug? A full-arms hug? Are both arms up, or both down? Or one arm up and one down? A full-arms, pelvis-away hug? A full-arms, pelvis-in hug? A full-arms, pelvis-out, back-pat hug? A full-arms, pelvis-in, back-rub hug? Is it a no-touch casual wave? Is it a high-five?

  There are a lot of options. Figure out what you think is best for the situation. The “good-bye dance” of two bodies not fully committing to hug vs. shake vs. cheek kiss vs. arm placement is not a fun dance. It’s why they never do that dance at we
ddings. The electric slide is way more fun.

  And trust me, I need to practice what I preach. I’m awful at committing to a good-bye maneuver.

  If things go awry, try to embrace the awkwardness . . . along with the other person’s body. Things can only get less awkward from here! And you’ll both have a “thing” that you can joke about on future dates. Oh, classic, you guys.

  Plain

  Order plain food. This is not the time to be an adventurous eater.

  Maybe this is just a personal problem, but my stomach is a wild, unpredictable beast machine. I should probably see a doctor. Remind me at the end of this book to make an appointment. Thanks, reader friend!

  My stomach gets even worse when I’m in any relatively stressful situation. So I highly, HIGHLY recommend that if you’re on a date in which consuming food is part of the activity, opt for things that are plain and simple and won’t cause any digestive confrontations. You know your body better than anyone (outside of your gynecologist), so you know what will confuse and what will amuse your intestines.

  Life tip: Don’t be on the outs with your intestines. Especially when you’re trying to make a good first impression.

  Let your personality be explosive, not your butthole.

  Original

  Be original.

  Don’t let your anxiety about the date make you boring. Uh-oh, here comes some after-school-special tough love. Remember to be yourself, dummy! Cue the rainbow-and-stars graphic with the tagline “The More You Don’t Blow.”

  This might seem like hollow beauty pageant advice, but it’s good to be reminded. Same goes for life in general–have your own opinions, emotions, thoughts, and overall point of view. Make sure your date isn’t out to dinner with a sheep. Because that’s illegal.

  Pregnant

  Try not to get pregnant on the first date.

  Or the second, really. There are a variety of ways to prevent this, but I will let you research those on your own. Best of luck.

  And there you go. You did it! You got ready for and went on a date. Hopefully, it wasn’t the worst experience of your whole life. But if it was, things can only get better from here, so congrats on hitting rock bottom!

  Side note joke: If Dwayne Johnson was a drag queen, his name would be Rock Bottom.

  HOW TO GET READY FOR/GO ON A Date

  Remember: ASSEY DAD POP

  Absolute

  (re)Search

  Scrub Up

  Exit Strategy

  Yes

  Dependable

  Ask Questions

  Decide

  Plain

  Original

  Pregnant

  #ASSEYDADPOP

  CHECKLIST

  THINGS TO BRING ON A DATE

  1. ID. If you get roofied, you’ll want people to be able to identify you.

  2. Cell phone (fully charged). It can be used to text friends to get you out of there/as a mirror for food-in-teeth situations/overall friend if you get stood up.

  3. Tampons. Just always have these with you, especially if you’re one of those “adventurous types” who wears white pants (god bless).

  4. Lipstick. This can double as blush! How quaint! Or as fake blood if you really need to fake an emergency.

  5. Money/payment options. You’re not a damsel in distress, you’re a damsel in dis dress THAT YOU PAID FOR (but if they really want to pay, just let them, don’t make it weird).

  6. Mouth-freshening devices. It’s gross to kiss someone who tastes like Alfredo sauce.

  7. Meds. For weird stomachs/anxiety/headaches/whatever your body system might scream for.

  8. Backup underwear. This sounds scandalous, but you NEVER KNOW, so always be prepared.

  9. Deodorant. Bring this everywhere all the time.

  10. Confidence. Or at least a false sense of it.

  HOW TO

  DO THE WALK OF SHAME

  Oh, the walk of shame. It happens to the best of us. A wonderful emotional and physical journey from “What” to “Oh” to “Uh-oh” to “Goddamn it” to a plume of smoke left behind after you run out the door. WOSs aren’t just for the ladies. They’re like STDs–they’re for everyone!

  I’ve done a few WOSs in my day and, optimistically speaking, I feel that they’ve made me a more resourceful, inventive, and capable person. They teach you to think on your feet, because lord knows you were thinking on your back last night. HEYO!

  Here’s a quick list of some things that may or may not have happened to me before, during, or after WOSs.

  Greeted my neighbors barefoot, with smeared eyeliner (while they had a baby in a stroller–even that baby knew).

  Surrendered my underwear to a stranger’s apartment floor.

  Left a REALLY GREAT leather jacket that I finally convinced myself to buy because I was “investing in myself”–turns out I lied to myself.

  Dry-heaved in a park.

  Silently convinced myself that my “look” was “hipster” and “purposeful.”

  Locked myself out of my apartment.

  Had someone drive me home in a pickup truck (that was more of a ride of shame).

  Ran into a notable college professor.

  Fell asleep on the subway and ended up in Coney Island.

  Forgot that I accidentally lit part of my hair on fire the night before and thought I slept with a scientist that poured chemicals on me in the middle of the night.

  Consoled myself with SO much bacon.

  WOSs teach us a lot about ourselves. Our strengths. Our weaknesses. Our questionable taste in human company at two a.m. They teach us that scrubbing your skin in the shower for an hour doesn’t erase the memories. They teach us that no amount of Bath & Body Works Cashmere Glow body splash can cover up a sexual blooper. They teach us that calling it a sexual blooper makes it sound less like a mistake and more like a silly accident you won’t repeat. Hopefully. But c’est la pee(nis) (peh heh heh, NAILED IT).

  Here are my tips and tricks for turning the walk of shame into a walk of fame. But we all know you had enough tips and tricks last night. Dick tips and sex tricks . . . I’ll go.

  Sike, I’m back. But for you there’s no going back, so let’s get you out of there!

  Where

  Where are you?

  That’s the first question you should ask. Are you familiar with this place? Who’s next to you? Who’s on the couch? Who’s on the floor in the bathroom? What country are you in? Where’s your car?

  No matter where you are, the only question that really matters is: How do I get home from here?

  Accept

  Accept that this has happened.

  It might take a few seconds or minutes, but resign yourself to the fact that this is, in fact, happening right now.

  It’s best not to waste your time being angry or upset or disappointed. Save those feelings for the super-long shower you will definitely take later. Now’s the time to focus on the process of getting your person and possessions out of here.

  Find

  Find your things.

  Remember that all you really need in order not to be considered a complete and utter wreck are: your wallet (with ID and credit cards), phone, keys, and some kind of clothing. Anything else you recover is a bonus.

  Think of this part like it’s a video game where you have to find treasures in an uncharted land (you’ll notice that my knowledge of video games is both vast and accurate). This should help make the search for your underwear seem fun instead of humiliating. Bonus points when you locate your bra and panties! Go team!

  Remember, if you can’t find your own clothes, there are a lot of things around you that could be made into clothing/genital coverings of some sort. More bonus points!

  Never feel bad about stealing clothes. Truly, you’ve earned them. Wear them like a purple heart and then burn them when you get home.

  Exits

  Locate the exits!

  Imagine you’re on a plane and one of the flight attendants is giving the
spiel about locating the closest exits in the event of an emergency, and you’re like, Blah blah blah. OHHHH, let’s see what kind of food they offer on this flight. Do I want a Bloody Mary or a vodka soda? Whoa, ham and cheese on a CROISSANT? Delta, you fancy.

  Well, the time has finally come to locate your nearest exit. This is an emergency.

  Figure out the best route to the door that is the least likely to wake anyone up or cause you to accidentally stumble into someone else’s room or possibly interact with a stranger. Get to the outside. Escape out a window if you have to.

  Resist

  Resist the urge to say good-bye.

  This will only complicate things. You don’t owe the other person a good-bye or an explanation for why you’re leaving. And who knows, maybe a conversation isn’t exactly what they want, either. You’re doing everyone a favor. This is an Irish Good-bye.

  An Irish Good-bye is when you leave a party or social situation without saying good-bye to anyone. Typically, this happens because you’re too “crunk” on the “sizzyrup.” Whatever your nationality is, it doesn’t matter, because today you’re Irish. And it’s fitting, because you probably drank like you were Irish last night.

  Texts

  If you have a second, check your text messages.

  Make a quick scan of your social media. This step is not completely necessary and can be saved for after you’ve left. It might help you start to piece together things from last night and help you craft the story you’ll be telling people about what happened (a step that’ll come later).