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  25

  PARTY GUEST SURVIVAL TIPS

  I hate parties. No, not true. I should say I hate the moments before I get to a party. Once I’m there and comfortable and a drink or three in, they’re great. And afterward, I always feel good about myself that I went and interacted with other humans looking for fun. But for me, any planned social activity is preceded by hours and hours of internal debate about whether I should go or not. What if I don’t know more than one person there? What if I get stuck outside of conversation circles and have to look at my phone as if someone is desperately trying to get in touch with me, so I don’t look socially stranded? WHAT IF MY PHONE DIES?

  I convince myself that it’s fun to come up with excuses not to go to things. (Aaaaand, with that sentence, I will officially never be invited to any of my friends’ or acquaintances’ events ever again.) I get scared about being social. I’ve tried over the years to force myself into social situations so that it becomes less of “a scary thing” and more of “a fun thing” to my brain.

  For example, when I was supposed to meet my new boyfriend’s friends for the first time, my flawed coping skills when it comes to social situations ruined everything. I had been dating this guy for a few months and thought he was the coolest, so clearly his friends had to be THE COOLEST, too. Oh god.

  I had an improv show in Manhattan that night and I was going to meet up with them in Brooklyn as soon as it was done. I normally don’t eat before shows due to my fear of losing control of my bowels onstage. When the show was over, I headed to the subway to get to Brooklyn. But before I got on I figured they’d all been drinking for hours ahead of me, so I should try to catch up. I bought three airplane-sized bottles of tequila before I got onto the subway and drank them in less than five minutes on an empty stomach.

  I got to the friend’s apartment, and the night started out strong. I came in at the right time and we were all laughing and having fun. But two group beers and two group shots into the evening, everything faded to black for me. I was gone. The next thing I knew, it was the morning and I was puking into my boyfriend’s toilet. I was twenty-four. I hadn’t puked from drinking since I was seventeen. I found out later that a very sober friend (whom I had met for the first time that night) drove us home and for most of the ride I openly wept in the backseat while trying to open the car door to walk home. I’m very good at parties and social situations!

  As years have gone by, I’ve learned more about myself and about the art of socializing. At the end of the day, if you do it right, it’s great for you. Other humans are wonderful. It’s one of the reasons we exist. I think. Or not. Maybe we exist as God’s forever April Fool’s joke. Either way, here are twenty-five tips that are helpful if you find yourself in the “party guest” scenario and aren’t sure what to do.

  1. You’re going. This is happening. Don’t let your brain consume itself with all of the excuses you could use to get out of it. Lord knows I do. Am I crazy? No, you are. You bought this book. Yes, it’s fun to think of new ways to explain that your dog has diarrhea, but it’s also fun once you get there to talk to other humans. Leave your dog’s butthole alone.

  2. Don’t dress to impress, dress to no-stress. Find out as much information as you can about the “dress code” of this event/situation and dress to be in the solid fiftieth percentile. Don’t go for the best- or worst-dressed list–go for the forgettable outfit. It won’t stress you out as much.

  3. Assess what kind of drinking party this will be and formulate a game plan. This applies to drinkers and nondrinkers alike. For drinkers: This is something that has ruined me in the past. Compare your personal tolerance against what you think will be the general consumption rate that evening and stay within your limits. For nondrinkers: Recognize when tolerance levels have been compromised and get out of there!

  4. Don’t smell (at least try not to). This is a general courtesy to other people. Get that deodorant ready.

  5. Don’t get stuck in conversations near the bathroom. One, you don’t know what bodily functions/bodily FUN is happening in that room. Distance yourself. I find it’s best to stay near an exit or window. It gives you something to look at if conversation lulls.

  6. Let the conversations come to you. In addition to #5, I find that sometimes it’s best to plant yourself in a comfortable area of the room and let the conversations come to you. POWER MOVE. All of a sudden, you become an anchor and people want to know what’s happening over there. Everyone seems to be coming and going from that corner. Hmm . . . social magnetism.

  7. Don’t be the #1 drunk or the date of the #1 drunk. I’ve gone to friends’ weddings before and been like, No one knows me, I can drink and dance like no one is watching. TURNS OUT EVERYONE IS WATCHING. If you’re in a situation where you might run into/have to engage with more than 25 percent of the people there again after this event, I’d highly recommend keeping your cool and allowing someone else to win first place on this one.

  8. Try to have conversations. Don’t get labeled as the person no one wants to talk to because you’re impossible to engage. There always seems to be someone that everyone avoids talking to because it’s more effort than it’s worth. If you find conversations hard, do what I do: ask questions! (See: sidebar on types of conversation starters.) Create conversation around the other person’s answers! Yay! You’re doing it!

  9. If there are less than a quarter of the attendees left at the party, it’s probably time to leave. Parties always reach a “max fun” point and then slowly dip into a “max weird” time. Leave when the meter is still in the fun zone.

  10. Get a party partner. It’s always best to experience parties with at least one other person who has your back. Try to go with someone whom you can rely on to get you out of there before either one of you swears you can do the “Oops . . . I Did it Again” dance for everyone and they’re going to LOVE IT. And be a good partner back.

  11. I REPEAT: Make a pact with your party partner to get each other out of there before you make lasting mistakes. We live in a plugged-in world. Unfortunately, you can’t get away with puking in a skillet anymore without it becoming a viral video. So get ready for your new career, unless you find a savvy party partner.

  Potential conversation starters

  1. I like your shoes; do you have any phobias?

  2. What do you think you’re allergic to that you don’t already know about?

  3. What do you do for a living? LOL, sike, I don’t care. Farting on a plane is the best, right?

  4. What was the last thing you ate?

  5. What type of piñata do you most prefer hitting?

  6. Have you ever spent time in a bowling alley in the afternoon on a weekday? It’s weird.

  7. Do you have more pairs of underwear than you have cousins?

  8. What animal would you most like to push into a giant cake?

  9. If you could rename “toes,” what would you call them?

  10. What do you think is the worst tattoo imaginable?

  12. Go for the hug. When saying good-bye, it’s best to keep your hands out and assume it’s a hug. If they’re for sure going for the handshake, then readjust. You don’t want to be the guest who’s inebriated or saying good-bye to an inebriated person and you half commit to a handshake and then realize they’re going in for the hug and before you know it your hand is accidentally stroking a crotch.

  13. Beware of group punches/jungle juices. They can sneak up on you. Drinking out of troughs in general–unless you’re at a frat/sorority party or you’re actually a farm pig who can handle liquor (PIGS, DON’T DO IT!)–should be approached with caution. Especially when you’re a party guest. My general rule of thumb for party liquids is: bring
the beverage you want to drink to the party.

  14. Bring something! Food, booze, and/or a gift. Even if it’s for you (see #13 about bringing your own beverage). This is a sign of goodwill and makes you look like you care about other people. You’re one of the three wise men. And they never even RSVP’d.

  15. You don’t HAVE to eat the food. Especially if you know your body probably won’t handle it properly. If you’re on the fence about it, bunt and play it safe. Don’t bet on your bowels. It’s ALWAYS better to politely pass on the food than to politely pass gas in the corner.

  16. Don’t take a dump in the guest bathroom (see #15).

  17. Help the host. (I AM THE ABSOLUTE WORST AT THIS.)

  18. Don’t hover near the dips. Get away from the food table after snacking. When conversations get stuck there, it can be less than fun. You open yourself up to not only a new world of awkward conversations, but also new, awkward conversations with spinach dip in between everyone’s teeth.

  19. Don’t get stuck with the pet. The party pet is a lot like your phone. When no one is talking to you, you can rely on the pet, because it doesn’t have any sexts to respond to. But as a pseudo-adult, you shouldn’t spend more than one-quarter of the party with the pet. That seems normal and fun and less weird.

  20. Be gracious and say good-bye. Unless you’re not capable of saying good-bye without embarrassing yourself. Then you should IRISH GOOD-BYE. See the “How to Do the Walk of Shame” chapter for more information on Irish Good-byes.

  21. Don’t get caught up in gossip. You can listen, but don’t overindulge.

  22. Participate in games. Why not?

  23. Don’t be racist/homophobic (overall life tip).

  24. Know how you’re getting home. Is your friend taking you? Are you cabbing it? Are you leaving your car? If so, where? Make a plan in advance–it will alleviate A TON of stress before, during, and (the morning) after the party.

  25. YOU DID IT—CONGRATULATE YOURSELF!

  Quick

  ETIQUETTE TIPS

  Saying the right thing at the right time is difficult. It’s like playing Jenga blindfolded. You make a choice and hope you build the tower up instead of knocking it down. Eep.

  Having something helpful to say when some major unexpected life event strikes is a really great thing to have in your back pocket.

  PAUSE. ANECDOTE TIME.

  I was recommended a dog-walker through a friend, and when I met him for the first time I realized he was truly a dog person. He came to my place on a Saturday soaking wet because he spent that morning teaching a couple dachshunds how to swim in a nearby lake. I instantly hired him to walk my dog a few days a week.

  My dog is extremely aggressive and trusts no one, and he walked her for weeks. She loved him and ended up getting along really well with all of the other dogs he brought on walks, which was so rare. LIFE IS GREAT! GETTING THIS DOG WASN’T A MISTAKE.

  And then things took a turn. The dog-walker called me and said he needed to talk. I found out from a friend who also hired him to walk her dog that he had suddenly decided to quit the dog-walking business. WHAT? The guy who spent every waking hour of his day loving dogs was quitting the dog business? How and why and WHAT?

  It took me two days to build up the courage to call him back. He told me he was quitting the dog-walking business because the week prior his own dog was attacked on a walk by a client’s dog, which he’d been walking peacefully together with his dog for years. He had to rush his dog to the vet and four days later the dog died. He said it changed his entire view of dogs and it was too hard for him to be around them.

  WHOA.

  I tried to console him to the best of my abilities. Which included me saying the phrase “Oh, man” on repeat. He clearly wanted someone to talk to, because he stayed on the phone with me for almost an hour explaining his pain as I replied, “Oh, man,” “I’m so sorry,” and “Wow.” The conversation was weirdly personal but ended on a hopeful note when he asked me how I made money on YouTube, because he was interested in pursuing it as a new career option. If you happen to see a dog whisperer from the Valley on YouTube, send him my regards.

  But that conversation is a great example of the types of interpersonal conversations that could present themselves at any point. Here are some examples of good versus bad things to say when a human you do or don’t know approaches you with struggles.

  THE STRUGGLE: My Family Member Died

  Things Not to Say:

  I can relate, I killed my toilet earlier.

  Same! My family member dyed . . . their hair yesterday.

  I finally watched Breaking Bad, so good.

  Things to Say:

  I know everyone is telling you they’re sorry, I honestly don’t know what to say exactly, but I want you to know I’m here for you.

  This sucks a dick.

  I’m going to leave you alone, unless you want me near, I love you.

  THE STRUGGLE: I Just Got Dumped

  Things Not to Say:

  I just took a dump! Oh wait, you said something different.

  Dumps like a truck, what what. I love “The Thong Song”!

  I also hate Donald Trump.

  Things to Say:

  This moment feels like the worst, which means things are about to get better.

  Feel sad and bummed and wild for however long it takes.

  I bought you a gift.

  THE STRUGGLE: I Got Fired

  Things Not to Say:

  I can relate . . . *lights a candle*

  I adopted three redheaded orphans. I just wanted you to feel better.

  I puked inside a duck’s mouth. By accident.

  Things to Say:

  Yes! Congratulations, this job was awful!!

  Shhh-shhh-shhhh, here’s another margarita.

  I puked inside a duck’s mouth. By accident.

  THE STRUGGLE: I’m Pregnant

  Things Not to Say:

  I know a place . . .

  I’m so sorry.

  YOU GON GET FAAAAAT.

  Things to Say:

  Congratulations, you’re going to be a wonderful parent.

  Can I babysit?

  What type of pickles do you like best?

  THE STRUGGLE: We’re Getting Married

  Things Not to Say:

  Well then, I guess I won’t be needing this engagement ring anymore. So much for my dreams of a viral wedding proposal video . . . *turns off hidden camera* Tell the marching band they can go home.

  Why?

  Eesh. Good luck. Yowch. Woof. Tough one. Oof. You had such potential. Well, one of you did.

  Things to Say:

  YAY! Where’s the champagne?

  This is great news! How can I help?

  You can use my dog/adorable child as a ring bearer if you want.

  THE ART OF NOT DYING ALONE

  THE ART OF TRUSTING SOMEONE TO TOUCH MOUTHS WITH YOU

  THE ART OF BEING A WHIRLING DERVISH OF VULNERABILITY

  THE ART OF BEING BOTH THE HAPPIEST AND SADDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN

  THE ART OF GETTING A DECENT FREE MEAL

  THE ART OF ATTRACTION, COMMITMENT, AND WAKING UP WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF REGRET

  The Art of PUTTING Yourself OUT There

  THE ART OF FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON TO KISS YOU INSIDE THE MOUTH

  THE ART OF LETTING SOMEONE INTO YOUR PRIVATE(S) LIFE

  THE ART OF ATTRACTION, REJECTION, RINSING AND REPEATING

  Your Love Life

  Oh god, it’s the love and relationships section. I can hear your private parts sighing. What do I have to say about relationships, and what possible advice could I give you? This is the one part of my life that I try to keep offline. I trick myself into thinking it gives me balance to have one thing that’s just for me.

  BUT NOT TODAY! Today, I’ll let you in on some private stuff. Ah, geez. I can already taste the regret. It tastes like coffee. Oh wait, that’s my coffee. It tastes like bacon. No, wait, sorry, that’s
my plate of bacon. Yes, I’m eating a plate of just bacon. Stalling . . . now let’s talk about relationships!

  I met my first high school boyfriend at a Latin convention in Kentucky the summer before my junior year.

  PAUSE. Did I just say Latin convention?

  Here’s the thing: In high school I was a pseudo-nerd. I wasn’t smart enough about physics or anime to be a full-fledged nerd, but I also wasn’t cool enough to be one of the popular kids who were into drugs and music. I was in what I like to call nerd purgatory. So I attended things like Latin conventions, which were weeklong conventions for horny, socially awkward, slightly to grossly above-average high school students who wanted an excuse to hang out with other horny, kind-of-smart kids from around the country, under the guise that it was for academic purposes.

  The conventions were held at college campuses, so we got to sleep in co-ed dorms and it felt SO SCANDALOUS. There were a lot of activities throughout the week–both athletic and academic. And every night there was a dance, where we got to release some of our horny energy via casual, awkward grinding.

  I initially decided to go to this convention because a couple of my Latin Club girlfriends (I’M STILL SUCH A PSUEDO-NERD) had attended the year before and had so much fun making out with “hot dudes.” We were representing Jersey, after all, so as nerdy as we were, there was still some trashy sex appeal to us.

  When we got to the convention, we set our sights on the guys hailing from the all-boys school in Wisconsin. They were upper middle class, handsome, well read, and had nothing to lose (their high school was like a pre-Harvard–they were all going to be fine).

  One of my friends went after the boy that I wanted–the cute, not gay, fun-loving, smart one. So instead I fixed my sights on the tall, blond, older, handsome one. We flirted and grinded (I’m so bad at grinding–the main thing that I learned at the convention) all week, and near the end I found out he had a girlfriend. WHAT A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY. My horniness deflated like a sad week-old birthday balloon.