Grace's Guide Read online

  Personally, when I work, I like complete silence or I listen to one song on repeat. At the moment my go-to is Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” because it’s powerful and for some reason makes me feel like I’m doing a complicated, beautiful ice-skating routine. Otherwise, I like having access to chips nearby and a solo bathroom while I work. Very professional.

  Wager

  Your best bet is against yourself.

  Turn your work into a tiny, personal casino. This isn’t for everyone, but sometimes I find I get more work done when I bet against myself. I make a silent, private wager that I won’t get a certain amount of stuff done, but if I do, I win! What do I win? It ranges, from clothing to an episode of Real Housewives to a meal at The Cheesecake Factory (I am a champion!). This is very similar to the incentivize step, except more self-shaming if you don’t win. If it helps and encourages you, try betting a friend. Combine the incentive and group accountability steps and raise the stakes. Designate rewards and punishments (within reason, you sadomasochist). See what happens. If it ends up being detrimental, then maybe don’t do it again.

  Good Job

  You did something!

  Take a second to congratulate yourself on accomplishing something. There are a lot of people in this world who do nothing. Trust me, I see them in my mirror when I’m very hung-over. You did something! You should be proud. Cool job doing life, stranger. Take a vacation! I’m happy for you. Unless the thing you did was criminal or not helpful to your mental health or to our society as a whole, then I say stop it.

  Ideas for personal incentives if you get x amount of work done:

  A dog.

  A really kewl dessert.

  Some trash TV.

  Online clothes shopping.

  Chinese food.

  Two dogs.

  Ideas for inspiring things to look up online:

  Child prodigies.

  YouTube beauty gurus.

  Beyoncé.

  A montage of someone on a weight-loss show losing weight and gaining confidence.

  Beyoncé.

  A documentary about Kenyan marathon runners.

  Beyoncé.

  HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND PLAY

  Remember: IGLOO DAWG

  Incentivize

  Group Accountability

  Look Up Inspirational People

  Organize

  Out

  Drugs

  Ambience

  Wager

  Good Job

  #IGLOODAWG

  WORKSHEET

  HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND PLAY

   What are your short-term goals (for the next year)?

  * * *

   What are your long-term goals (after this year)?

  * * *

   How long has it been since you’ve taken a vacation?

  * * *

   What was the last “fun” thing you did? (And no, taxes aren’t fun.)

  * * *

   What was the last “successful professional” thing you did? (And no, having sex with a college professor isn’t a suc-sex-ful professor-nal thing.)

  * * *

   How long has it been since you’ve talked to:

  Your significant other?

  Your parental figure?

  Your best friend?

  That medium-sized unknown animal you sometimes talk to late at night?

   What’s your emotional state right now?

  * * *

  WELL, HEY, you filled out this worksheet! That’s something! HIGH-FIVE!

  HOW TO

  INTERVIEW FOR A JOB

  I’ve interviewed for my fair share of jobs. Like Pokémon cards, I’ve collected an assortment of chain restaurants on my résumé. So far I’ve got Chili’s, Applebee’s, Dave & Buster’s, Olive Garden, Houston’s, and Sails (a short-lived pretentious Jersey Shore restaurant on the bay). Yet despite having all of that experience, somehow I didn’t get hired for the NBC Page Program.

  For those of you who don’t know, the NBC Page Program (think Kenneth on 30 Rock) is essentially a paid internship at NBC. It’s very “prestigious” and “illustrious” and “reputable.” After a semester interning at Late Night with Conan O’Brien, I got an opportunity to interview for a coveted spot in the program. This was going to be my first real foray into a professional world that didn’t include mozzarella sticks. This was my ticket! Once I made it into the program, I was sure that some higher-up at NBC would just happen to see me in the hallway and think I was so off-the-cuff hilarious that he’d offer me my own show on the spot. THIS WAS MY CHANCE! What would I call my show? Grace’s Company? Grace Expectations? Grace Helbig and Ellen DeGeneres Are Best Friends Forever?

  The interview did not work out as planned.

  I was SO nervous. My armpits decided to do their best impression of Slip ’n Slides as I verbally farted my way through the interview. At this point in my life, I thought the interviewer held my whole future in her hands. Except her hands were busy. She was instant-messaging the entire time. I could see the reflection of her computer screen in the window behind her. Occasionally, I thought she was laughing at my witty anecdotes, but no. Whoever she was messaging with was HILARIOUS.

  The worst part is that I spent so long that morning trying to iron my only pair of “business pants” on my teeny-tiny space-saving dorm room ironing board while imagining what sort of antics I’d work into my SNL opening monologue. I didn’t get the job. Ultimately, it was for the best. The page uniform is a blazer and pencil skirt. I look like an uncomfortable teen mom/PTA member in a pencil skirt. Sigh. I’M NOT BITTER.

  I’ve had time to reflect on past job interviews, assess (ASS!) my performance, pick out my strengths and weaknesses, and now I feel much more knowledgeable on the subject. Which is why I feel comfortable writing this chapter–that, and I’m writing it in sweatpants and not a GODDAMN PENCIL SKIRT. Look at me now, baby!

  Want

  Want it.

  Even if it sucks socks and is strictly a survival job, ACT LIKE YOU WANT IT! Odds are that your unadulterated passion for the job will inspire confidence–or the interviewer will find you completely annoying. Life is a highway. And if this is a legit life-changing opportunity, don’t be afraid to express your DESIRE for it. It’s just like my desire to eat chips for breakfast or my desire to see tiny dogs in human clothes. I REALLY WANT THOSE THINGS. And I’m not afraid to let that influence my actions; I’m not allowed in three or four Petcos in both New York and California. That’s beside the point.

  Passion and a positive attitude are key.

  Organize

  Get it together.

  Organize your résumé and your social media.

  Yes, writing a résumé seems SO STUPID. But then again, your potential boss could just look at your Facebook page and realize one of your special skills is drinking Bacardi and Diet Cokes out of curly, sparkly straws. So organize a piece of paper that proves otherwise. And also organize a PRIVATE Facebook album for all of those photos. Yes, the ones with the pancakes. You’re a freak, but you’re excellent at data entry, so make sure that’s what they see.

  Research

  Google that creature.

  Find out your interviewer’s name and let Google do the work. Is he interested in baseball? Whoa! All of a sudden you mention the Dodgers offhand. OOPS. Does she love Breaking Bad? Oh my god, suddenly a clear blue meth metaphor sneaks its way into your spiel about how pure your love is for what you do. DOUBLE OOPS. Use the Internet to your advantage on this one. BUT DON’T BE A WEIRDO. Remember: treat Internet “strangers” the way you’d want Internet “strangers” to treat you.

  Klean

  Rinse off your person.

  Clean isn’t spelled with a k, but you don’t have a job, so shut up. Wash your junk, iron your clothes, wear deodorant, and brush your hair. Everything else is a bonus.

  Prep

  Wrap your mind around it.

  Try to predict the questions you’ll be asked and familiarize yourself w
ith the company, so that you can ask smart questions about the job. You’ve seen enough TV and movies with interview scenes. Those “fictitious” questions they’re asking ARE REAL QUESTIONS. Go online and Google “standard interview questions.” They might ask you about your strengths, they might ask you about your weaknesses, they might ask you about the fake job you made up on your résumé listing your BFF as the manager. Have an answer prepared–anything, just be ready. You are your own Miss America contestant in this moment. So don’t be Miss South Carolina. OLD REFERENCE, GOOGLE IT.

  Original

  You are the only version of you, unless you’re a twin. Ew.

  When prepping your answers, remember not to be a generic piece of bread. Bread isn’t delicious, but bread BOWLS are. Yes, I do realize that most of my metaphors are food-related; it’s a choice. Do you have a mouth? Oh good, then you can relate.

  Make your answers UNIQUE. Different is good. You don’t want to be hired somewhere because you’re a sheep. It’d be weird for T.J.Maxx to hire a sheep to run their fitting room. Yes, they’d get at least one viral video out of it, but that sheep would have a very hard time moving up the corporate ladder. Make sure that the company hires YOU.

  On Time

  Get there.

  Just do it. JUST. DO. IT. This is your future boss’s first impression of you and if you’re late, he’s going to think, Well, this person must do drugs, or This person must have had to go to the abortion clinic this morning, or This person must have had to appear on The Maury Povich Show this morning to find out if he IS IN FACT the father. Who knows? Minds wander.

  I like to schedule meetings in my calendar a half hour earlier than they actually are, because I know I’m a chronically late person and this is a fun way to trick myself!

  Talk Back

  Follow up.

  Talk back to your interviewer. Not like that. Don’t be a sass ass. Talk back as in follow up after the interview. I like to find one specific, personal thing we might have talked about in the meeting to lead off my email. For instance, “Hey, Jeff, glad to know you have such strong opinions on popsicles, too. Anyway, it was great meeting you and I hope we can find some way to work together in the future.” Make sure to send this email maybe one to five days after your original meeting so you don’t seem too aggressive/too already forgettable.

  QUICK REMINDERS

  Like old bread, MOLD these tips to work for your specific interview.

  If you don’t get the job, WHO CARES? Except your parents and your bank account and your real/fake significant other, and your future. Interviews are good practice.

  As long as you didn’t visibly piss or poop yourself, it was a GREAT interview. Move on.

  HOW TO INTERVIEW FOR A JOB

  Remember: WORK POOT

  Want

  Prep

  Organize

  Original

  Research

  On Time

  Klean

  Talk Back

  #WORKPOOT

  TIPS

  FOR SURVIVING IN SCHOOL AND IN THE OFFICE

  School can be depressing when you realize it’s where you’ve spent most of your youth. Same thing for time spent in the office, which will likely stretch to include most of your adult life. Ack! Unless you like your job. Then great job! Literally.

  I went to high school. I even went to college. Hard to believe, I know. I currently make a living talking by myself to a camera while putting condiments on my face and emoting about Miley Cyrus’s crotch. I’m using my degree to the fullest.

  Your academic career can be both the greatest and the absolute worst time of your life. It can be wonderful, because you have a safety net to experiment and be dumb. But it can also be miserable, because it’s one of the most transitional times in your life and no one gives you a guidebook to figure it out. EXCEPT FOR ME! Sort of. Not really; you’re going to have very harsh personal experiences that I could never prepare you for. ZOIKS!

  I did five internships in college–all in office settings. And after college I had an office job. I got a company email address, I went to a store and bought three pairs of “work pants,” and I tried to actually iron my clothes in the morning. It was uncomfortable. On top of that, I’m convinced that fluorescent lights were invented by an evil, reincarnated epileptic with a vendetta. THERE’S ALWAYS ONE FLICKERING AND AS SOON AS YOU LOOK AT IT, IT STOPS. After four(ish) months, I couldn’t handle it anymore and I quit.

  Surviving in an office job is similar to surviving in school. When you’re first trying to adapt, you don’t know if you’ll ever find your place, but eventually your new friend Chyle (with a “Ch”) convinces you to stick it out. Here are twenty tips for school and twenty for work.

  Remember that by having a job or going to school you’re doing something positive for yourself–that is, unless you’re just doing it because of intense pressure from family members. Yay!

  SCHOOL

  1. Don’t go after the hottest person. They’re probably overcompensating for something terrible hidden underneath all that pretty hair.

  2. Get at least 80 percent of your homework done the night before. College life is almost entirely about 80 percent prep work and 20 percent spontaneous problem-solving/improvising.

  3. Lump yourself with like-minded people. In an academic environment it’s easier to be successful if you’re surrounded and inspired by people who “get” you and vice versa. When I was in college, I found a group of friends who liked comedy and we created a sketch comedy TV show for our campus TV network and performed episodic improv shows every Monday night. Looking back, I realize it was pretty terrible, but at the time it gave me confidence to pursue comedy after I graduated. Cool!

  4. Try to get your housing figured out early. This can be one of the most stressful parts about college. Figure out who you want to live with next year and where, so you’re not an anxious puddle of tears in a windowless room with the girl who sleep-screams.

  5. You don’t really need to know math. Unless you’re majoring in it or are a professional human calculator.

  6. Don’t make fun of nerds. Just don’t. Eventually, they’re going to dominate you and/or strategize a twenty-five-year-long brilliant slow burn prank on you and your loved ones. They’ll get the last, wheezy laugh.

  7. Keep all of your important things in one bag. This is also overall life advice. Leaving something important in a classroom or someone else’s dorm is annoying. You just finished your walk of shame, don’t make yourself have to go back. Keep it together.

  8. Don’t be the teacher’s pet.

  9. Experiment. Sexually. Only if you’re in college. Get it out of your system now, because orgies are frowned upon in the workplace.

  10. Be social. Push yourself to mingle with other social groups. This allows “friendships” to happen. Whoa! Neat!

  11. Look, everyone has student loans. Don’t complain.

  12. If you’re a lady, it’s super cool to carry some sort of spray poison in case of on-campus crazies. In fact, I encourage carrying both wonderful-smelling body splash/perfume along with eye-burning spray toxins. I currently own Mace, bear spray, and Cold Steel Inferno pepper spray. (Side note: Google-search “Cold Steel” and treat yourself to a night of amazing video commercials for self-defense weapons sold by a slightly overweight, middle-aged man named Lynn.)

  13. When in doubt, refer to your syllabus.

  14. Don’t get on the bad side of the sad person who lives on your dorm floor. Respect them and assume they could kill you at any moment, so be nice !

  15. Make a mental map of all of the cleanest, least popular public bathrooms on campus. Living in New York and having to be out of my apartment for most of the day going from an audition to a meeting to a rehearsal, I started to make a mental map of all the most accessible and most private public bathrooms where I could change clothes, fix my face, and/or empty my bladder, etc., if necessary. (Urban city note: Hotel bathrooms are great. If you walk into a
hotel with confidence, they’ll assume you’re a guest and not a stranger off the street hoping to take a private dump.)

  16. Colleges that have radio ads probably aren’t the best colleges. That said, my college had a radio ad.

  17. Shower shoes are a great investment.

  18. Maybe stay away from the person with cold sores.

  19. You can get so many tampons and condoms for free from your health center. Take advantage.

  20. If you hate it, it won’t last forever.

  WORK

  1. Try to avoid office romances. Office crushes are SO FUN, but don’t blur lines. Sorry, Robin Thicke.

  2. Experiment. Professionally. If you’re a science major, please take this tip literally. Otherwise, if you’re a student or young professional, take the time to test different occupations and see what clicks.

  3. Network! Pack the ChapStick, because networking is the ass-kissing professional socialization that happens when you hang out with people in similar fields who all want to advance. But don’t force the networking; try to let it happen organically. Like dry-humping at the end of a first date.

  4. If there’s someone surrendering a #2 in the common work restroom–GIVE THEM SPACE. Put yourself in their shoes (poos–ugh, I hate myself for this stupid reference).