Grace's Guide Page 15
A jump cut is an editing term for an abrupt transition from one scene to another. Jump cuts make jokes funnier, make mundane conversations more interesting, and overall make dull people seem like they have personality. I was ALL IN.
Immediately after discovering Beth and Val, I made my roommate vlog with me. And now, eight years later, I make my living online, recording my face quacking at a camera. I spend an average of probably six to ten hours online every day via my computer or phone. That sounds awful. But it’s my job. And also my hobby. I LOVE THE INTERNET. Even when I try to take a break, all I want to do is check my Instagram feed. I’m sure a lot of psychologists might say that this is unhealthy behavior. To that I say, SIKE-ologists! I’m participating in a community! I liked five pictures of French bulldogs on Instagram this morning, what have you done today?
Because I’ve spent the past few years living and breathing online, I’ve discovered a few tips to help those who were born with or without Wi-Fi.
1. Privacy: keep some of your personal life offline. Find a balance between the Internet and IRL. It’ll keep you sane. Or closer to it.
2. Friends CAN be made via the WWW. Just proceed with caution. I have little room to speak on this; my first real romantic relationship was maintained via AOL Instant Messenger. But I met him in the human world first. So I knew I wasn’t being social-media-swindled. I’ve had a lot of fans meet up for the first time at some of my live shows and it’s always a wonderful thing to hear about/see in my Tumblr tags. Like!
3. Don’t drink and digital. There has to be an app that shuts you off after you make a certain number of spelling mistakes in a tweet before sending it.
4. An email signature tricks people into thinking you’re a professional.
5. You can learn a lot about a person based on their mobile email signature. Mine used to say, “Sent from my eyefone (sp?).” SO CLEVER! HIRE ME.
6. Keep your personal confrontations off the Internet. We get it; you’re opinionated about stuff. We get it; you want attention for it. We get it; the Internet is a public forum from which you can collect that attention. But, like, why? Try to enjoy something in your life.
7. Subtweeting is for tweens. This is related to the last tip. According to Urban Dictionary (my source for most “youth talk”), a subtweet is: “A tweet (message posted on the website Twitter) that mentions a Twitter member without using their actual username. Usually employed for negative or insulting tweets.” So dumb. Either talk to that person about your feelings or get a LiveJournal (I’m old).
8. Manage your time. The Internet is a time vacuum. It will suck all of your time away from you. Try to stay aware of how much you’re giving up. Look up from time to time.
9. Manage your brand. This tip isn’t just specific to those who wish to pursue some sort of online content creator profession. Take time to fully understand what you have to offer the Internet. What’s your point of view? Who’s your audience? How can you speak to them authentically and genuinely? I could talk for hours on this subject. I’ve limited myself to these few sentences. If you’d like me to develop some sort of longer-form workshop, just say the word and I’ll add it to my three-page to-do list.
10. Be careful about what you “like.” People can see that stuff. If you like that girl’s TwitPic of her thong or all those girls’ butt photos on Instagram, I can see that. And I will judge you. I’m sorry.
11. Beware of people who voluntarily post bikini/shirtless photos. This is general life advice. They have something to prove.
12. Yes, those black-and-white photos of your wedding and/or child are very beautiful. Do you feel validated? Okay, now stop.
13. You will get judged by your Instagram filter. X-Pro II? Really? Step up your game. You’re better than that.
14. If you have numbers in your profile name/handle, you won’t be taken seriously. I’m sorry, that’s just life. And generally speaking, it’s a lot harder for people to remember your contact info. Unless the numbers are 6 and 9 together–then I give you two thumbs up (the butt).
15. Google it, don’t tweet it. If you have a question about something, just look it up. If you want popular opinion, tweet it. Sorry to sound annoyed, but I don’t want to have to figure out what you’re allergic to based on a gross selfie you posted on Twitter.
16. Follow ALL the dogs on Instagram. This is pretty much a tip applicable for every part of your life. They are the best and I spend a good portion of my “workday” looking through dog Instagram photos. One day, I was waiting for my video to upload, and while waiting I checked Instagram on my phone and started following two new dog accounts. People saw this (see: tip #10) and thought I wasn’t posting my video yet, because I was too busy looking at pictures of dogs. They were half right. I regret nothing.
17. Work in offline mode. My friend Hannah found an app that allows her to download her in-box so when she knows she won’t be connected to Wi-Fi she can work offline and respond to unanswered emails. She can compose full email responses and set them to send and as soon as she gets reconnected to Wi-Fi they all send. It’s one of the more brilliant things I’ve seen her do. And I’ve seen her steal a stool from a bar and carry it to her apartment half a mile away.
18. Make your passwords the dumbest. And change them every few months. This is common knowledge, but hacking is getting scary (you can’t spell “scary” without “cray”). Keep a private list somewhere of all your passwords, because you’ll forget. Sorry I’m not giving you enough credit. You’re wonderful.
19. Don’t let negative comments get to you. When I first started making Web videos, I would read every comment and take it to heart. HI, DEPRESSION. Eventually I started picturing every negative commenter living an unfulfilling life and instead of feeling bad about myself, I felt sad for them. Because that’s pretty much the truth. People only make other people feel bad when they feel bad about themselves. It’s in the Bible somewhere, I think.
20. Don’t send pictures of your privates to anyone online. Ever. Done. Period. It’s why they’re called “privates.”
You’ve made it through the book! Unless you’re looking at the last page before actually reading any of it because you don’t allow yourself to properly experience a good thing. It’s okay; there are other books you could read to help with that.
I hope this book made you smile at least once. I hope maybe you learned something you didn’t know before. I hope it brought some form of happiness to your day that you didn’t expect or that you desperately needed. If it didn’t do any of that stuff . . . well . . . uh . . . maybe go read The Fault in Our Stars again?
eeeee
* collar tug *
You rule it. Thanks for doing life with me!
THANK YOU TO…
. . . MY EDITOR, LAUREN, WHO’S BEEN UNBELIEVABLY PATIENT AND ENCOURAGING AND HAS ALLOWED ME TO USE THE WORD “DIARRHEA” FOUR TIMES IN PRINT.
. . . MY PHOTOGRAPHER, ROBIN, WHO’S STUPIDLY TALENTED (DUH!) AND DIDN’T THINK TWICE WHEN I TOLD HER I NEEDED A LOAF OF BREAD SO SHE COULD PHOTOGRAPH ME HITTING SOMEONE IN THE FACE WITH IT.
. . . MY BROTHER, TIM, FOR CONTRIBUTING THE FOREWORD TO THE BOOK AND FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME UGLY-FACE-SCREAM-LAUGH UNTIL I CRY.
. . . MY BEST FRIENDS, HANNAH AND MAMRIE, FOR HANDLING MY CRAZY WHILE I WROTE THE BOOK IN A LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME, AND FOR ALWAYS INSPIRING ME TO CHASE A BETTER, DUMBER (IN THE BEST WAY) VERSION OF MYSELF.
. . . MY MOM, FOR SPRINKLING HER PERSONAL WORDS OF WISDOM THROUGHOUT THE BOOK, FOR GETTING OVERLY EXCITED ABOUT EVEN MY SMALLEST SUCCESSES, AND FOR BEING AVAILABLE WHENEVER I NEED HER TO CHEER ME UP, KEEP ME GROUNDED, OR FIND UNFLATTERING CHILDHOOD PHOTOS.
. . . MY DAD, STEPMOM, AND STEPDAD, FOR THE CONSTANT SUPPORT, LOVE, AND OFFERS TO HELP ME MOVE.
. . . MY “YOU,” FOR BEING 100 PERCENT.
. . . MY AUDIENCE, FOR F*CKING RULING IT.
. . . MY DOG, GOOSE, FOR BEING AN AD
ORABLE WHIRLING DERVISH OF LOVE AND HILARITY. IT’D BE COOL IF YOU COULD READ THIS.
. . . MY PROFESSIONAL TEAM–ESPECIALLY MY MANAGER, KEN, AND MY AGENT, ERIN–FOR PUSHING ME FORWARD AND APPROVING OF MY INSANITY.
I don’t know
GRACE HELBIG is a comedian, actress, and YouTube personality. She previously hosted DailyGrace on My Damn Channel before leaving in January 2014 to create her own YouTube channel, it’sGrace, which has more than 1.8 million subscribers and 150 million views. Grace is the executive producer and star of the feature film Camp Takota. She is the winner of the People’s Voice Webby Award for Best First-Person Format and the Streamy Award for Personality of the Year and Best First-Person Series. Grace has been named one of Variety’s 10 Comics to Watch, Fast Company’s 100 Most Creative People in Business, and Forbes’ 30 Under 30.
@GRACEHELBIG • GRACESGUIDEBOOK.COM
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Touchstone
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Copyright © 2014 by Grace Helbig
Interior design by Shawn Dahl, dahlimama inc
Illustrations by Alison Oliver, Sugar
Cover Design by Marlyn Dantes
Cover Photographs by Robin Roemer
Cover Illustrations by Alison Oliver
Photos by Robin Roemer
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Touchstone trade paperback edition October 2014
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Helbig, Grace.
Grace’s guide : the art of pretending to be a grown-up / Grace Helbig.
pages cm
1. Young adults—Humor. 2. Adulthood—Humor. 3. Conduct of life—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.A26H45 2014
818'.602—dc23
2014023166
ISBN 978-1-4767-8800-5
ISBN 978-1-4767-8802-9 (ebook)