Grace's Guide Read online

  There’s not much else to say about rugs other than that I support them, they’re easy to swap out to refresh a room’s design scheme, and just like me, they let people walk all over them. How much better could they be?

  Over Time

  Like an elderly person crossing the street, good design happens slowly.

  I’ve always been one to move into a new space and immediately want to buy EVERYTHING I need to fully decorate it in one day–or as soon as humanly possible. And that’s not always the best philosophy. You can find really great pieces if you give yourself time to look. Don’t settle for something just because you want to fill your space fast. That is, unless someone is holding you at gunpoint and really, really needs you to pick an area rug, then go with the blue one with the squiggles. Otherwise, don’t rush.

  It took me weeks to find the right taxidermied hamster butt on Etsy, but eventually I did. And it lives proudly above my back door. The butt door.

  Paint

  “Paint” rhymes with “taint”!

  You can take a crappy piece of furniture and turn it into a happy piece of furniture with paint! Spray paint, chalk paint, paint paint–there are a lot of ways you can transform old items with paint. Before you pass up on a piece of furniture with great bones or get rid of a much-loved object already in your home, see if there’s a way to refurbish it. Imagine your dresser is the face of a desperate fifty-year-old Beverly Hills socialite, layer on the makeup, and give those drawers some cougar appeal!

  Experiment

  Get wild, you weirdo!

  It’s just like how you experimented in college with Krysten (with a y) and that foreign exchange student, except completely different. There will be no pickles in this version. You were weird in college.

  Experiment with your design. Find your aesthetic and let your creativity run wild. See what happens. If you don’t like it, you can change it! That’s the beauty of decorating. Unlike tattoos and plastic surgery, it’s a creative way to express yourself that isn’t permanent! Can’t say the same about your Garfield tramp stamp. Eesh.

  HOW TO DECORATE LIKE AN ADULT

  Remember: FISHY GROPE

  Flea Markets

  IKEA

  Scents

  Hang It

  You Could Make That

  Green Things

  Rugs

  Over Time

  Paint

  Experiment

  #FISHYGROPE

  34

  TRAVEL TIPS

  Traveling is the best. Unless you’re agoraphobic, then it’s the worst. I get that. I can’t fix that for you. I’m sorry. But for the people who like to travel, let’s talk.

  I’ve increased the amount that I travel A LOT in the last ten years. And with more traveling comes a suitcase full of mistakes and a carry-on bag full of lessons. WHAT A CUTE SENTENCE.

  Let’s see if I can even remember all of my stupidity. I’ve left every possible charger in oh so many hotel rooms. I’ve gotten to the airport only to realize I’d left my wallet back at a friend’s apartment. I’ve booked flights for the wrong days and only noticed once I got to the airline ticket counter. Most recently, I left my entire purse at the departure gate. MY ENTIRE PURSE. I only found out after I had boarded the plane and tried to find my credit card to pay for a drink. I’ve had to use body wash as my “shampoo,” gum as my “toothpaste,” and toilet seat covers as my “tampons” (that was a rough one, literally).

  Traveling is amazing because you meet people, you see things, you open yourself up to life-changing experiences, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The other side of traveling is that there are so many uncontrollable factors that force you to problem-solve and adapt. I’ve learned that travel is a lot like changing a baby’s diaper. When it goes well, it’s wonderful and refreshing–when it doesn’t, it’s a sh*t storm. This probably isn’t the best analogy. To be honest, I’ve never changed a baby’s diaper. It’s just that I respect babies too much to embarrass them like that. (Is it possible to donate your reproductive organs? I know I won’t be needing mine.)

  Here are some things I’ve learned over the years that might help you set yourself up for travel success.

  1. Pack deodorant. You can tell I’m very, very serious about this. Like I’ve already said, deodorant can be perfume. If you’ve mismanaged your “get-ready time,” deodorant is an instant shower!

  2. Always remember the underwear and socks. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve had to endure dirty underwear or dirty socks while away, I could probably buy a Subway sandwich right now. Six-inch. No, not the combo meal. I’m not THAT forgetful.

  3. Assume your plane has no Wi-Fi. Remember to bring some source of batteryless/technologyless entertainment. MAYBE A BOOK????

  4. Give yourself more time than you assume. I’m still struggling with this step. This is when being a fearful human is actually helpful. Always assume car tires will burst, gas tanks will run dry, or someone will oversleep. If those things don’t happen and you get to your destination early, you get to reward yourself with something! You are both your own kindergarten teacher and well-behaved kindergarten student!

  5. What’s going on with your feet? Remember you have to take your shoes off at airport security in front of everyone else. This is another tip I keep learning the hard way. My feet are awful always (see: photo–I’m sorry). And when I have to fly I usually throw on any shoes that don’t have laces so I don’t have to be the Security Struggler. Socks are always an afterthought for me and I need to readjust that thought process. Again, I’m sorry.

  6. Look up the weather in your destination city. When I see a guy wearing shorts in cold weather I don’t assume he mispacked, I assume he’s an “I’ve-got-something-to-prove” asshole. Maybe I’m awful. Either way, figure out the clothing situation.

  7. Target has a really great travel section. Just saying.

  8. You’re not going to meet your fiancé on the plane, so you can look like a human gremlin. And if you do meet your fiancé, at least you’ll know they love you for your base-level monster self. LOVE!

  9. Dry shampoo, dry shampoo, dry shampoo. If you’re a lady or man of long hair with a busy travel schedule, this is the most wonderful friend for you. It’s like a padded bra for your hair. Allow it to present a false truth to your friends and strangers! Fun!

  10. Always bring headphones. Even if you have nothing to plug them into, you can fake it so you don’t have to listen to the strange woman next to you tell you about her concerns about her sister-in-law’s recent weight gain.

  11.SOCKSI Wearing clean socks on an airplane is one of life’s simple pleasures. I only know this because one time I saw the cutest British girl on a flight back from London and she was super dolled up in a dress and heels and looked like she stepped out of a Topshop ad and all I could think was, Oh, you are NOT going to be comfortable on this ten-hour flight. And, as if she could hear my inner monologue, she got up and walked to the bathroom with a bag and came back out in adorable sweatpants and an oversized shirt and the thickest, most comfortable-looking socks I’d ever seen. OH SNAP. THIS GIRL KNOWS HOW TO TRAVEL. And then she put on her neck pillow, turned on her computer already preset with movies and watched and fell asleep until right before we landed, and then she made her way back to the bathroom to change into the SUPER CUTE outfit she boarded the plane with. She was everything I could ever aspire to be.

  12. Precharge your electronics before you go. And also make an attempt to preload them with movies and shows you want to watch. Turns out airport Wi-Fi is always terrible and you won’t be able to download them at your gate. I’ve missed out on so many really special episodes of The Real Housewives that way. What a waste. And don’t forget your chargers! Double check.

  Five things you should always travel with in your carry-on bag:

  1. Money/plastic things that give you access to money

  2. Chargers

  3. A goddamn positive attitude

  4. ID

  5. Deodorant (you saw this coming)<
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  13. 3.4 ounces is the max liquid you can pack in a carry-on!!!! I think. Unless they changed it. They do that. Look up the number. I’ve been embarrassed so many times by TSA agents removing my spray-tan bottle and asking me if I knew that this was over the legal fluid ounce limit. Once they shamed me in front of a Texas family with real tans. And don’t forget to take your water out of your bag before you get to security. Please don’t be that person. You hate that person.

  14. Go through your bags BEFORE you get to security to make sure you took out that thing. I don’t know how much more I need to say here. You know your own secrets.

  15. You don’t HAVE to check a bag. And then you don’t have to wait at baggage claim! I only recently figured this one out. I’m an idiot. Yes, all you fellow idiots out there, having to wait at baggage claim SUCKS. It feels like a very mild prank. You’re thinking, Did I misinterpret the baggage claim gate number? Was that person in the pleated khakis on my flight? Was that DOG on my flight? HOW DID I MISS THAT DOG ON THE FLIGHT?

  16. Always sit near the front of a plane. This is a tip I’ve only recently learned. You’re close to bathrooms and the flight attendants, who can sneak you another drink/bag of chips. And you get off the plane first, which is the BEST.

  17. MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS. I was recently on a flight with my friend Mamrie and my German friend Flula and our flight attendant (SHOUT-OUT TO MICHAEL ON JETBLUE!) was the greatest. He was flamboyant and hilarious and so wonderful. We made a few jokes with him as we boarded and when we officially introduced ourselves and ordered our drinks, he gave us two airplane bottles each along with our mixers. It’s the little things. I hope you’re reading this, Michael, you were great. (The best part of the story is that I went to the bathroom and on the way ordered a third round for each of us, but Mamrie wanted to switch up her order to a Corona and when I told Michael he was like, “OOOOH, MOONFACE WANTS A CORONA?” and I was like, “Moonface?” and he was like, “YEAH, MOONFACE WANTS A CORONA?” And I nodded and peed (in the bathroom) and went back to my seat and realized Mamrie was wearing a phases-of-the-moon sweatshirt. Ohhhh, moon PHASE wants a Corona. God, he was great.

  18. Those neck pillow things look stupid but seriously work.

  19. The in-flight security safety cards always have the most ridiculous graphics. Treat yourself to a giggle. Truly. Take a look.

  20. Don’t lean your chair back. You really don’t need to. By nature airplanes are the most uncomfortable–leaning a chair back isn’t going to make you content, it’s going to make you an asshole. If you really NEED to get those ten to twenty extra reclining degrees, at least buy the person behind you a drink.

  21. Don’t be the person eating tuna on the plane. No explanation needed.

  22. Wear your hoodie backward if you’re sleeping in public, so no one has to see your gaping mouth and you don’t have to breathe in everyone else’s plane farts.

  23. Water is a neat thing to consume while traveling. And just in general. Apparently it “keeps us alive.”

  24. SNACKSI Get them, have them, buy them. Snacks and traveling go together like my mouth and a basket of french fries.

  25. Make up games! Whether you’re in a plane, car, train, boat, or on a camel, stupid games are a great way to pass the time. F*ck-marry-kill: the Disney characters version is always a fun time.

  26. If you’re crossing the border you really don’t have to create an elaborate story to explain to border control. You can tell them the truth. When my friends and I crossed the border from Canada into the U.S. during a small comedy tour, we got so nervous about how we’d explain why there were so many tuxedo onesies in our car and what we were planning on doing with the hamburger costume. We spent a couple hours trying to figure out if we’d say we were visiting friends, or that we were road tripping, or that one of our relatives’ last dying wish was that we travel from Canada into the U.S. down the West Coast. By the time we got to the border the officer looked at our passports, completely disregarded our nervous, goody-goody faces, and let us through. What a waste of a great relatives’-dying-wish story. Until next time, border control.

  27. AAA gives hotel discounts! This is something I learned about last year and really want to let you know about! I had no idea! If you’re on the road with no plan and you need to stay at the next hotel you see (been there–I’ve driven cross-country three times) and you have a AAA card, you can usually get 10 to 20 percent off the price if you ask about it. A hotel won’t normally promote this. Your coupon-clipping mom/aunt will be so proud of you.

  28. A hotel can be judged by its toiletries. If they’re good, use them (or hide them!) and try to get housekeeping to replace them before you leave so you can take some for the road. And with that I will never be allowed in another hotel. Unless you have terrible toiletries! I’m looking at you, Motel 6.

  29. Chain hotels are great! BUT figure out the chain no-bedbugs hotels. Assess chain hotels like you would assess a chain restaurant. Read reviews, listen to what the angriest Yelper has to say, and realize they’re 60 percent over-exaggerating and take it from there. Sometimes you shouldn’t order the tuna tartar at a restaurant in Oklahoma. If they have sheets you can sleep under without having to take a shower when you wake up, then COOL. Keep going.

  30. You can squat in a hotel room longer than your original checkout time. I hate that I’m advocating this. From what I’ve heard, AND I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE, THIS IS A RUMOR (see: Lindsay Lohan’s music video), you can stay in a hotel room longer than your checkout time if you (responsibly) ask for a later checkout time or (irresponsibly) linger in your room and tell them you have food poisoning from the hotel SHRIMP COCKTAIL. If you’re sick from their food they have to keep you. Like an orphan!

  31. Always go out the first night of your trip. Always. Even if you’re so exhausted, just force yourself to have the tiniest amount of fun times. You never know when an emergency (anything from breaking a bone to your water breaking to a surprise new season of Breaking Bad) might happen and you’ll have to leave before you had expected. Make sure you get your money’s (or someone else’s money’s) worth.

  32. Save chains for tires and prison fights. Try to find the one place in town that isn’t a chain restaurant. It’s usually delightfully representative of that area and offers something other than mozzarella sticks. And if they do offer the mozz sticks, they’re probably better than T.G.I. Friday’s. Oops.

  33. Pack to leave the night before. My friends and I have developed a scientific travel system called “drunk packing.” Basically, the night before we leave a place, we turn activities that usually aren’t fun into FUN! If you pack when you’re buzzed, it’s a great time and you wake up with the work done. Your sober morning self only has to make sure you didn’t miss anything. As I was writing this chapter, I realized that I had to call a hotel in London, because I left my wallet in the hotel room. Don’t worry, I took everything out of it except my driver’s license. SO DUMB. Please learn from my mistakes.

  34. Find people you love to travel with and travel with them! #travel

  20

  TIPS FOR LIVING ONLINE

  I looked it up on the Internet–it’s true, I’m a Millennial. The fact that I Googled the definition of “Millennial” proves I’m one of them.

  When I was in seventh grade my family installed the Internet for the very first time on our only computer, a clunky desktop. It was a magical experience. We dialed up, it took minutes, and then my mom emailed my aunt via her brand-new Yahoo! email account. We immediately called her to make sure the email went through. And it did! What was this wizardry? I was ALL IN.

  The Internet, turns out, is an introvert’s paradise. I have two brothers, so we had to share time on the computer. Luckily, my younger brother was slightly too young and too into “books” at the time to appreciate the wonderfulness that was the World Wide Web, so the fight was always between my older brother, who only wanted to play Diablo, and me, who only wanted to use AOL Instant Messenger an
d sign in to Yahoo! chat rooms to catfish people, before I even knew what catfishing was.

  My middle school/high school after-school activities consisted of track and field and creating elaborate characters online to talk to people in chat rooms. I was a home-schooled boy from Wisconsin, a postgrad from Portland, a dental hygienist from Maine. Nothing got pervy, I just wanted to screw with people and see what they’d believe and what they’d want to talk about. Turns out 98 percent of people just wanted to cyber. Cool job, humanity.

  When I graduated high school and went to college, MySpace and Facebook became part of my world—I was done for. I remember discovering MySpace for the first time via my roommate. After I created a profile and checked to see which of my friends were already on the site, I found out that my own boyfriend of a year already had a profile. Turns out he had been active on the site for months. He knew how much I loved the Internet; why didn’t he fill me in?

  “You’ve known about MySpace?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

  “I dunno.”

  He was a great conversationalist. That should have been a #redflag.

  As I went through college, I got more and more into the Internet. My senior year I found a funny female vlogging duo named Beth and Val who became my inspiration/introduction to vlogging. They recorded themselves on their MacBook iSight camera answering a question submitted from their audience over email. They hilariously answered the question over the course of two minutes using jump cuts. This changed my entire world.